holding back
by kristy87
Summary: Grissom wonders why Sara did not apply for a promotion... GSR


Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Another short story, what can I say... my creativity is always on it's climax when I actually have to study for school. Never mind, as long as I am writing in English I can at least pretend to learn for my final exam in English.

ENJOY

Summary: Grissom wonders why Sara did not apply for a promotion...

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**holding back**

Saying goodnight to him always made her sad. It meant going home, home where no-one was waiting for her, home where she was not able to see him, not able to speak with him, not able to just be with him.

Leaning in the doorframe she waited a moment before she began to speak, she loved the way his eyes moved when he was reading, she loved the expression on his face when he was focused on something important, she loved it how he ran his hand through his hair from time to time and she loved it when he quickly licked over his lips with his tongue. Watching him like this was probably already voyeurism, but it was the only thing she had, the only chance to get to know something about him…

"Hey." She finally broke the silence, expecting him to look up. She waited for the moment in which he'd glance over his glasses and then take them off… but tonight he didn't even react. Being somehow disappointed about this she wondered if she really should make a second attempt. "Griss?" This was the only moment of privacy they had in this pseudo-never-getting-personal relationship, she would so not let anything take this away from her.

Now he finally looked up. And he took off his glasses after glancing over them. A soft smile flashed over his lips, at least she thought she'd have seen a smile. "Hey. You're off now?"

She nodded. "Yupp." She gave him a sweet smile. "Good night."

"Wait a second." He pointed on the chair in front of his desk with his hand. "I'd like to talk with you."

Sara raised an eyebrow, wondering what he wanted to talk about. Hesitantly she walked over to the chair and sat down. "Okay."

"You did a really good job on this case." He pointed at the file in-front of him.

She loved it when he commended her work. This was probably the only validation she would ever get from him. "Thanks."

"Really…I'm impressed." He smiled at her.

She returned his smile, feeling how her cheeks blushed. He was impressed? About her work? She could feel small butterflies in her stomach, she hadn't felt this in a while.

"Why didn't I see your application for the promotion on my desk?" He asked after a moment.

She swallowed hard, slightly taken aback, she had thought that he wouldn't even notice that she hadn't applied for the key position as day-shift supervisor. "You didn't see it because I didn't apply for it."

"The deadline is tomorrow, you should hurry up." He leaned back on his chair and played with his glasses.

"Actually I don't plan to apply for it." She felt like she was confessing a crime, that expression on his face was weird, he was puzzled…

It took a moment until he spoke again. "Why not?"

She tried to escape from his gaze. She stared down on her hands and did not look up again before she had taken a deep breath. "I wouldn't get the position anyways."

"I don't see a reason why you should not be qualified enough for it. You are definitely one of the best CSIs of the lab."

"Griss, I might tend to be self destructive, but I'm definitely not masochistic." _At least not enough to go through this again. _

"Why should you…"

"I wouldn't even get recommended." She didn't want to sound so cold, but she couldn't deny that she still felt hurt because of what he had done two years ago.

"I explained to you why I chose Nick." He finally got what she was talking about. She could see that now he felt _really_ uncomfortable.

She shook her head. "I don't think that telling me that you chose him because 'he didn't care whether or not he got the job' is a fair explanation."

"Sara…" He leaned forward again, supporting his weight on his elbows. "…can't we leave this behind?"

"Why are you always trying to sidestep every theme that might, in some way, reveal that even _you_ can't stay professional all the time but sometimes have personal feelings?" That's it, with this she had set the ball rolling. This conversation would either end with her quitting or with them getting it on on his desk.

"You want an explanation why I recommended Nick?"

"No Gil, I want an explanation why you deny that you have feelings for me." She would not let him get out of this. They had been working really well with each other in the last months, they had built up something that felt like a friendship, they understood each other even without words sometimes… now she wanted more. She accepted the fact that she might loose him as a friend. She had never wanted him as a friend! She had wanted more, so much more, and when finally talking about these things would _finally_ bring her closer to her goal, then she would risk it. She was not as gutless as he was when it came to this theme.

He swallowed hard. He didn't know what to answer. She could see that he was desperately trying to find a way out of this situation and he was even more desperate to try to hide his despair from her.

"Why?" She asked again with more confidence in her voice. She wouldn't leave before he wouldn't give her an answer.

"I could never make you happy. I am not the right one for you Sara." His voice was soft and he sounded so vulnerable.

"Isn't that my decision?"

"I… Sara…" He sighed. "They say, that when you love someone, you should let them go when leaving is the best for them."

Sara raised an eyebrow. "This is a _completely _different situation Grissom."

He didn't reply. And she knew that he wouldn't. She had her answer, all she needed was to let him know how she felt. "Griss, there is a reason why I am still here… in Vegas I mean. After everything that happened, everything you already did to me…nevertheless… I love you. And _only_ you can make me happy. Believe me, I tried to move one, I tried to get over you… it didn't work. And it wont work in the future either."

Then she left her seat. "I'll leave you alone now." She brushed a strand of hair out of her face and afterwards headed for the door. Before she left she turned to him one last time. "You know what some people say? When a woman leaves, she wants to be held back."

When she had almost reached the lockers room she heard his footsteps behind her. Smiling to herself she entered and slowly opened her locker to get her purse. When she closed her locker again Grissom leaned against the one next to it. He was biting down on his bottom lip and she could see that he did not really know what to do. His instinct had lead him to her, but his head had no idea of what he had to do now.

She gave him a soft smile and then reached out for his upper arm. She rubbed her hand over it and let her eyes met his. "Coming to hold me back?"

He nodded softly. He didn't say anything and for a moment they just looked at each other. Then he slowly slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her close to him.

Feeling him so close to her felt even better than she had imagined. His chest was strong and so were his arms. It felt good to feel the tension, that had built up in all the years, disappear. She leaned her head on his shoulder and breathed softly against his neck. She deeply inhaled his scent and closed her eyes.

His hand slipped over her arm and then up to her neck. After another moment he let it travel to her head and buried his fingers in her hair. Then she felt his lips brushing over her cheek and a bright smile built up on her lips.

"I love you too." He whispered softly into her ear. She softly kissed his neck in response, her heart was literally jumping. Okay, the conversation had not ended with them getting it on on his desk, but she was definitely not going to quit.

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THE END

let me know what you thought about this, please : )


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